Boundaries
are the foundation of our being. The healthier and stronger the boundaries, the
quicker we can bounce back from life’s ups and downs. Trauma and a lack of
boundaries go hand in hand; every trauma comes with the crossing of a boundary.
This is obvious in any kind of abuse, also with car accidents or medical
trauma, but a boundary injury can also happen in more subtle ways. Nothing
on the outside may indicate that something is wrong—but we feel deep in our gut
that our boundary has just been crossed.
Having no
boundaries or too narrow ones means we're easily pulled into caretaker
patterns, bending over backwards for others while neglecting our own needs.
This is one of the most difficult patterns to shift as it is so woven into our
early attachment system. We may then even feel bad when we do something healthy
for ourselves, as we have learnt to abandon ourselves long ago to survive
childhood. The guilt can be huge once we start becoming “selfish” in a healthy
way. The trick is not to feed the guilt monster. Notice the bad
feelings, but give them no weight. Instead, tell yourself: “This means I am
going in the right direction!” And in the beginning, this might feel like you
have just killed someone, well knowing that you haven’t. But that guilt implant
can be huge. Learn not to keep feeding it, even though it may not be easy at
first. This is an unhealthy guilt that needs to be ignored so it can shrink
over time.
Some of us
were not allowed to set our own boundaries, or they were drawn too tightly and
too close to our bodies. A healthy boundary generally stretches as wide as you
can spread your arms, 360 degrees around your body. Researchers found that a
person’s microorganisms even spread out to about an arm's distance.
How does it
feel to stretch your arms out wide and claim this space as yours? How is it
when you move your arms closer to your body? When do you feel more relaxed?
When do you contract? Do you collapse a bit, or is your spine stacked up
straight? What friends allow you to have your own boundaries comfortably? In
what situations does your boundary change all of a sudden?
Even when we
generally have healthy boundaries, they can still be compromised. Shock is one
of the biggest boundary breakers. It bursts through its banks with immediate
effect, leaving us shattered, off guard, ungrounded and wobbly. Not quite
ourselves—literally. It allows others into our space that we usually hold
sacred.
This happened
to me when a client texted me on a weekend that she didn’t want to live
anymore, and then was inconsolable on the phone for over an hour. In the end, I
had to call an ambulance and deal with a very unhelpful agency, which was the
most stressful part for me. Reflecting now, that’s what threw me the most, not
my client. The text had arrived while I was dancing and enjoying myself away
from home. I was not prepared for it, did not have my professional boundaries
in place, and then faced a very unkind and unnecessary secondary trauma from
the agency. The shock went straight to my heart, and it took me days to fully
come out of it. In fact, I only found my way out through a Somatic Experiencing
supervision session.
And it was a
powerful rebirth and embracing of my own boundary, which I wouldn’t have gotten
to without this incident. Life sometimes throws you raw diamonds. Gifts that at
first glance don’t feel like one.
In that
session, I was rebuilding a new, much more stable boundary around me. I knew
immediately that this was not a cognitive process, and it took me quickly to a
very early nonverbal place—my embryo self in the womb. I visualised being back
in my mother’s womb, where I had felt safe and held. Slow movements, drinking
in the fluids, nourished by the umbilical cord, somersaulting with delicious
joy. I felt safe, held, and loved. Inside and outside were clearly marked, so I
could just be. I embodied this with all my senses, and something
inside me shifted and healed.
Once I was
born, things got muddled, my mother confused my light with hers, and I
instinctively pulled back to protect myself from that invasion. So in the
counselling session, I switched to a better resource: I visualised that
straight after leaving my mother’s womb, I arrived in the loving hands of my
aunty. She had always seen my light clearly and loved and supported it. She treated
it like a precious seedling that needed watering, sunlight, and protection. And
a big dose of unabashed utter delight.
We need
caregivers who reflect back our own light and boundaries with joy. This is why
we are herd animals —we can’t do this on our own—we need another human
being (sometimes a pet or an imagined figure will do as well) to reflect who we
are and what belongs to us. “This is my space! This belongs only to me!” And
once I could so clearly feel my own space and light, my own boundary started to
naturally grow and expand 360 degrees all around me. There is so much love for
my own self when I am connected to this newfound boundary, and no one is
allowed to cross it without my permission, especially no agency. There is a
softness, but also a very strong, clearness.
Having our
own light reflected back to us from babyhood onwards helps grow healthy
boundaries. If it didn’t happen when we were little, we can do it now. It is
never too late. Visualisation and therapy are powerful tools when you are met
and in a safe social context. Having reflected back on your capabilities, your
awesomeness, our feelings aligned and wholeness.
And the
healthy resource might be something completely different for you. One client
had to send her four-year-old self to the imaginary land of the comic Moomins
to repair her boundary. Another client had to sit on the back of a horse to
feel safe and protected. A domestic violence survivor needed a lion to walk on
her side at all times. Visualised animals who don’t have an issue with setting
boundaries can be perfect. A lot of the time, setting boundaries is difficult
if someone has a problematic relationship with anger, so switching to an animal
can be very helpful. Without healthy anger, setting boundaries is impossible,
as your “No!” will be more of a “no?” that a lot of people won’t take
seriously.
I’ve been
witness to hundreds of different versions of boundary support. These found
resources are unique, individualised, and completely different for every
person; they are medicine. I love how different and new they are each time.
They need to be just right. And once you have found your boundary-support
visual, you can return to it over and over again. I will enter the womb
experience before stressful events to better prepare myself. Before dealing
with agencies, I will make sure my boundary light is on. And if I forget to do
it, I can always come back to the womb experience later on and re-erect and
strengthen my own boundary.
I was born
into a family where worrying about others was the headline of everyday life.
But worrying about another human being actually undermines their boundaries. It
is so much healthier to see the other person’s light instead. To reflect back
to them what they themselves may not see in a moment. I will have to retrain
myself, get out of the worrying mode and into a “trusting the light mode”
instead. Pressing the acupressure point spleen 4 on your foot can help
tremendously, too.
My early womb
experience, my best Kindergarten friend, my aunty, and my husband were people
in my life who supported me in developing a relatively healthy boundary.
But my own
boundary needed upgrading. Just as that weekend incident showed. How is your
boundary working for you?
With
love
Barbara
Barbara
Schmidt
Counselling
Somatic
Trauma
and nervous system recovery
If
you want to find out more about your nervous system and
the incredible healing from trauma I am inviting you to read the
short articles on www.counsellingsomatic.com.au in my blog section - you can subscribe
to my newsletters via my website and receive all future blogs conveniently via
email.
Feel free to forward my article to others, but please add my name to it for
copyright reasons. You can also find me on my Facebook page “Counselling
Somatic Barbara Schmidt"
.jpg)
