​Strengthening your boundary

Boundaries are the foundation of our being. The healthier and stronger the boundaries, the quicker we can bounce back from life’s ups and downs. Trauma and a lack of boundaries go hand in hand; every trauma comes with the crossing of a boundary. This is obvious in any kind of abuse, also with car accidents or medical trauma, but a boundary injury can also happen in more subtle ways. Nothing on the outside may indicate that something is wrong—but we feel deep in our gut that our boundary has just been crossed.

Having no boundaries or too narrow ones means we're easily pulled into caretaker patterns, bending over backwards for others while neglecting our own needs. This is one of the most difficult patterns to shift as it is so woven into our early attachment system. We may then even feel bad when we do something healthy for ourselves, as we have learnt to abandon ourselves long ago to survive childhood. The guilt can be huge once we start becoming “selfish” in a healthy way. The trick is not to feed the guilt monster. Notice the bad feelings, but give them no weight. Instead, tell yourself: “This means I am going in the right direction!” And in the beginning, this might feel like you have just killed someone, well knowing that you haven’t. But that guilt implant can be huge. Learn not to keep feeding it, even though it may not be easy at first. This is an unhealthy guilt that needs to be ignored so it can shrink over time.

Some of us were not allowed to set our own boundaries, or they were drawn too tightly and too close to our bodies. A healthy boundary generally stretches as wide as you can spread your arms, 360 degrees around your body. Researchers found that a person’s microorganisms even spread out to about an arm's distance.

How does it feel to stretch your arms out wide and claim this space as yours? How is it when you move your arms closer to your body? When do you feel more relaxed? When do you contract? Do you collapse a bit, or is your spine stacked up straight? What friends allow you to have your own boundaries comfortably? In what situations does your boundary change all of a sudden?

Even when we generally have healthy boundaries, they can still be compromised. Shock is one of the biggest boundary breakers. It bursts through its banks with immediate effect, leaving us shattered, off guard, ungrounded and wobbly. Not quite ourselves—literally. It allows others into our space that we usually hold sacred.

This happened to me when a client texted me on a weekend that she didn’t want to live anymore, and then was inconsolable on the phone for over an hour. In the end, I had to call an ambulance and deal with a very unhelpful agency, which was the most stressful part for me. Reflecting now, that’s what threw me the most, not my client. The text had arrived while I was dancing and enjoying myself away from home. I was not prepared for it, did not have my professional boundaries in place, and then faced a very unkind and unnecessary secondary trauma from the agency. The shock went straight to my heart, and it took me days to fully come out of it. In fact, I only found my way out through a Somatic Experiencing supervision session.

And it was a powerful rebirth and embracing of my own boundary, which I wouldn’t have gotten to without this incident. Life sometimes throws you raw diamonds. Gifts that at first glance don’t feel like one.

In that session, I was rebuilding a new, much more stable boundary around me. I knew immediately that this was not a cognitive process, and it took me quickly to a very early nonverbal place—my embryo self in the womb. I visualised being back in my mother’s womb, where I had felt safe and held. Slow movements, drinking in the fluids, nourished by the umbilical cord, somersaulting with delicious joy. I felt safe, held, and loved. Inside and outside were clearly marked, so I could just be. I embodied this with all my senses, and something inside me shifted and healed.

Once I was born, things got muddled, my mother confused my light with hers, and I instinctively pulled back to protect myself from that invasion. So in the counselling session, I switched to a better resource: I visualised that straight after leaving my mother’s womb, I arrived in the loving hands of my aunty. She had always seen my light clearly and loved and supported it. She treated it like a precious seedling that needed watering, sunlight, and protection. And a big dose of unabashed utter delight.

We need caregivers who reflect back our own light and boundaries with joy. This is why we are herd animals —we can’t do this on our own—we need another human being (sometimes a pet or an imagined figure will do as well) to reflect who we are and what belongs to us. “This is my space! This belongs only to me!” And once I could so clearly feel my own space and light, my own boundary started to naturally grow and expand 360 degrees all around me. There is so much love for my own self when I am connected to this newfound boundary, and no one is allowed to cross it without my permission, especially no agency. There is a softness, but also a very strong, clearness.

Having our own light reflected back to us from babyhood onwards helps grow healthy boundaries. If it didn’t happen when we were little, we can do it now. It is never too late. Visualisation and therapy are powerful tools when you are met and in a safe social context. Having reflected back on your capabilities, your awesomeness, our feelings aligned and wholeness.

And the healthy resource might be something completely different for you. One client had to send her four-year-old self to the imaginary land of the comic Moomins to repair her boundary. Another client had to sit on the back of a horse to feel safe and protected. A domestic violence survivor needed a lion to walk on her side at all times. Visualised animals who don’t have an issue with setting boundaries can be perfect. A lot of the time, setting boundaries is difficult if someone has a problematic relationship with anger, so switching to an animal can be very helpful. Without healthy anger, setting boundaries is impossible, as your “No!” will be more of a “no?” that a lot of people won’t take seriously.

I’ve been witness to hundreds of different versions of boundary support. These found resources are unique, individualised, and completely different for every person; they are medicine. I love how different and new they are each time. They need to be just right. And once you have found your boundary-support visual, you can return to it over and over again. I will enter the womb experience before stressful events to better prepare myself. Before dealing with agencies, I will make sure my boundary light is on. And if I forget to do it, I can always come back to the womb experience later on and re-erect and strengthen my own boundary.

I was born into a family where worrying about others was the headline of everyday life. But worrying about another human being actually undermines their boundaries. It is so much healthier to see the other person’s light instead. To reflect back to them what they themselves may not see in a moment. I will have to retrain myself, get out of the worrying mode and into a “trusting the light mode” instead. Pressing the acupressure point spleen 4 on your foot can help tremendously, too.

My early womb experience, my best Kindergarten friend, my aunty, and my husband were people in my life who supported me in developing a relatively healthy boundary.  

But my own boundary needed upgrading. Just as that weekend incident showed. How is your boundary working for you?

 

With love

Barbara

Barbara Schmidt

Counselling Somatic

Trauma and nervous system recovery 

If you want to find out more about your nervous system and the incredible healing from trauma I am inviting you to read the short articles on www.counsellingsomatic.com.au in my blog section - you can subscribe to my newsletters via my website and receive all future blogs conveniently via email.
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